Sunday, July 24, 2011

Facepalm and Foxtrot

New Television Should Be Ashamed

America, we need to talk. Other countries, you may want to leave the room. You can stay if you want to, but America and I have something to discuss.

When I was young, I had the TV to babysit me. I used to watch anything and everything that I could. After everything switched to digital and the world needed converter boxes, I broke free. I don’t watch anything new on TV anymore. I admit, I catch a lot of shit for this, but I’m honestly thrilled to not be glued to the TV 24/7. However, you may have noticed that I have a Netflix streaming account. Now, I may not be ahead of the curve on what’s hot anymore, but I’ve been finding out the types of things you people have been watching and I am disappointed.



Look, enough beating around the bush. I need one of you to justify to me why Parking Wars, Mall Cops, and Pawn Stars are even shows, let alone ones that have more than one season? Why have you made these things popular? I was willing to forgive you for Dog the Bounty Hunter, and I even manage to mostly overlook Jersey Shore. But shows about parking lot enforcement, mall security, and pawn shops? Really? Are you just willing to watch anything?



Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150 have anything good on.


What’s just as scary as these shows being popular is the fact that someone, somewhere decided to pitch this to a network, and they thought it was a good idea. And evidently, given that all these shows have several seasons, they weren’t wrong. What the hell is wrong with all of you!?



“You know, Phil, maybe people don’t want to watch a show about parking lot cops…”
”And that’s why you don’t work here after today, Bob!”

In conclusion: shame on all of you, America. Now I’m going to go be all pretentious and watch Downton Abbey  or Twin Peaks. I suggest you all start doing the same, immediately.


A CARNIVAL FILMS PRODUCTION FOR ITV1.<br /><br />DOWNTON ABBEY.<br /><br />EPISODE 4<br /><br />ITV’s new costume drama series, Downton Abbey, written and created by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes and made by Carnival Films for ITV will star Maggie Smith as Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham, Hugh Bonneville as Robert, Earl of Grantham and Elizabeth McGovern as Robert’s wife, Cora, Countess of Grantham.  <br /><br />They will lead an all-star cast, which also includes: Penelope Wilton, Dan Stevens, Michelle Dockery, Jim Carter, Phyllis Logan, Lesley Nicol, Siobhan Finneran, Rob James Collier, Joanne Froggatt and Rose Leslie. <br /><br />Set in an Edwardian country house in 1912, Downton Abbey will portray the lives of the Crawley family and the servants who work for them.    <br /><br />PICTURED: MICHELLE DOCKERY as Lady Mary Crawley.<br /><br />This photograph is (C) ITV Plc/CARNIVAL FILMS and can only be reproduced for editorial purposes directly in connection with the programme or event mentioned above, or ITV plc. Once made available by ITV plc Picture Desk, this photograph can be reproduced once only up until the transmission [TX] date and no reproduction fee will be charged. Any subsequent usage may incur a fee. This photograph must not be manipulated [excluding basic cropping] in a manner which alters the visual appearance of the person photographed deemed detrimental or inappropriate by ITV plc Picture Desk.  This photograph must not be syndicated to any other company, publication or website, or permanently archived, without the express written permission of ITV Plc Picture Desk. Full Terms and conditions are available on the website<br /><br />Photographer: NICK BRIGGS.<br /><br /><br />For further information please contact:<br />

I have far too much grace, sophistication, and money to pawn anything on Pawn Stars.

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