Friday, June 10, 2011

Late Night Netflix: Movie Mania

The First… Blogisode?

Hello and welcome to Movie Mania! It’s my first post in this series, so I suppose this is where I ought to explain how this works (If you don’t care about any of this, just jump down past the line-break and get right into the review). Netflix has an ever expanding list of titles available for online streaming. The internet has has an ever expanding list of asshats on the internet writing or filming reviews of thing while maintaining some sort of gimmick. I decided it was time to combine the two in my series Late Night Netflix. Here is my criteria for both Movie Mania and Episode Insanity: 

  1. I choose a movie/series that Netflix says I’m going to love (it assumes at least a four star rating from me) or hate (it assumes at most a star and a half from me). I’ll also watch and review things people suggest or take on items whose titles and/or descriptions grab my attention.
  2. I wait until at least 12AM to start. I want to be really tired for these viewings to make them a bit more interesting
    1. No naps beforehand.
    2. Caffeine shall be considered both legit and necessary.
  3. I’ll be writing the reviews as I watch, so that the finished post ends up being my gut reactions to what I’m seeing… Well, 95% gut reaction. Sometimes I’ll backtrack for comedic value.
  4. I’ll draw up a short conclusion and give my rating versus what Netflix assumed I’d give it.

“How do we know you’re not faking this?” you may be asking this page. Well, I suppose you don’t. We’re on the honors system, friends. Also, you’re trying to talk to a website. That cant be healthy. Anyway, enough of this preamble garbage! Let’s do this thing!


As this is the first installment of this shipwreck of an idea, I think it is only fitting to watch The Asylum’s Titanic II. For those not in the know, The Asylum is a low budget production company that makes movies known as “mockbusters,” movies meant specifically to cash in on blockbuster cinema. They operate on a production schedule of a few months and therefore their finished products are always hilariously bad.

Given how bad these movies are supposed to be and what Netflix knows of my taste they assume a a one-star (*) rating from me. Oh man. This is going to hurt. Without further ado, welcome again to the LNN:MM viewing of Titanic II:

  • Wow. Open on a frozen wasteland and the opening credits, and these credits aren’t wasting any damn time.
  • A man is… surfing in the frozen wastes? Yes! He waited for a hunk of ice to drop into the water and create a wave for him to surf on. We have one character in the movie and he’s an absolute idiot.
  • More ice drops creating a tidal wave, killing our super-genius surfer. I’m pretty sure that’s not how anything works. Ever.
  • Hey! Bruce Davison! Goodie!
  • Well, at least they didn’t waste time getting us to the titular boat. Five minutes in and there she is.
  • We’re introduced to our two heroines for this film.They look exactly alike and are wearing the same outfit so I will never be able to tell them apart. Stellar.
    • “I swear to god I’d rather watch some of these people drown than give them CPR.” Oh good! One of them is completely loathsome as a human being!
    • The loathsome one is adequately counterbalanced by… a character with a complete lack of personality
  • A blonde D-bag lands on the ship in a helicopter land slow-mo walks toward the camera with what I can only assume were once Playboy bunnies.
    • “It’s so big!” “Airplanes are big, babe. Trains are big. This… is monumental.” Oh good. I get to hate him too.
    • He… owns the Titanic II? Damnit!
    • He also can’t speak. “Sophithticeted?”
    • He also seems to have put Brian O'Halloran in charge of the ship.
  • Bruce Davison has brought us to Green(screen)land. to meet with attractive lady-scientists.
    • “A piece of ice broke off this thing the size of Manhattan…” aaaaand I officially call my first “Bullshit” on this movie.
  • Meanwhile, back on the boat Not-Leonardo DiCaprio makes an ass of himself with our cardboard cutout of a heroine.
    • Not Leo: Your father punched me in the nose.
      Cardboard: He caught you joyriding on his boat at 2AM. I think he had a right.
      Not Leo: Still a daddy’s girl, huh?
      No, dude! No! You stole the man’s boat! He gets to blast you in the face for that! I’d call you an overly-entitled prat, but, well, you also own a luxury-liner. Still, punch in the nose deserved!
  • If one more person in this movie says “Well, uh…” so help me, someone will die.
  • The most wonderful line ever delivered by Captain Clerks “She make look like her predecessor, but underneath she’s anything but.”
  • Back in GreenScreenland, scientists are tripping over poorly rendered ice fields! Oh no!
  • The Titanic II! It’s 2010, but our CGI is straight out of Babylon 5 in 1994.
  • What a lame-ass dance floor.
    • What a lame-ass luxury cruise!
    • No, really. The only two people on the dance floor are standing there talking.
  • Apparently Bruce Davison has the military authority to make submarines move. And that’s why he’s a bad-ass.
    • And now he’s telling the Titanic II to go back where it came from. So cool! He’s like an aging action star without any of the pesky explosions.
  • I know this is supposed to be super tense and foreboding with all the yelling and concern, but it’s actually a little boring.
  • AND WE HAVE ICEBERG!
    • Furthermore HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
    • There’s that gorgeous CGI again
  • This movie is in LOVE with the Coast Guard.
  • Sheesh. This isn’t its predecessor alright. This ship gets hit and it pretty much folds in on itself. Fantastic.
  • What the hell!? Does this ice just have a vendetta against the ship?
  • Does—Does the ship have mini submarines in it? Is that what I just saw?
  • I can’t even keep up with the crazy, but let’s try: The D-Bag decides to stay on the ship while it’s going down because “IT’S MY SHIP!” He runs off to find the cardboard cut-out who petulantly refuses to go with him until they go below decks to find that other girl we all hate. Out of nowhere some dude just starts beating up on blonde-boy. All of this happens in five seconds amidst pandemonium. Did you catch all that?
  • Why the hell is the infirmary in THE BOILER ROOM!?
    • And what is this woman’s obsession with moving the critically injured!?
  • Bruce: You have to get the people on the lifeboats!
    Cap’n: Half the lifeboats were crushed in the impact
    Bruce: The lifeboats are deathtraps!
    Wait. What!?
  • How in the hell does she have cell reception in the elevator of a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean!? She has an iPhone and damnit, AT&T’s service is not nearly that good!
  • This is the greatest scene in this movie. Our heroes are making their daring escape. Our blonde heart-throb tries to pry a door open with an axe-head. He can just barely hold it. The cut-out barely squeaks through. The obnoxious one makes her attempt and the door crushes her, killing her instantly. Our lone heroine crouches next to her and with all the emotion of a coffee table screams a feeble “Kelly? Noooooooooo…!” Our hero then suddenly turns into The Last Son of Krypton and just waltzes through the damn door that he could barely hold open ten seconds ago.
  • Daring escape trap number 2! Our plucky couple need to pass a pool water with live wires in it. To do this they need hang onto a plot contrivance, I mean… an overhead pipe and work across. Suddenly Superman has no clue about monkey bars.
  • A trapped person is trying to signal for help by knocking loudly. Rather than help him, the blonde bomber yells “WHO’S THERE!?” Really, man? Is that really important right now? What else would you like to know? “DO YOU OWN A WHITE HONDA ACCORD!?”
    • Aw. Now he’s dead. *sad face*
  • Their next brilliant plan is… to put her in a wet suit? Oh. I see. Plot contrivance to get her in her bra. Gotcha. Well played, movie. Well played.
  • Seriously, this ice is just aiming for them now.
  • “We capsized.” But we didn’t have the budget left to show that.
  • Bruce Davison is going into rescue his daughter damnit! COAST GUARD!
  • The long kiss goodbye and wait for it… he’s dead! Just like in Titanic!
  • And Lo! Neptune didst swallow the presumptuous ocean liner and Bruce Davison, in true bad-ass fashion didst saveth his daughter from Poseidon's icy grip.
    • Bruce is so hard, he even went saved his daughter’s boyfriend… hopefully to revive him and punch him in the knows again.
    • Nope. When the Atlantic kills a rich fool, he stays dead… Just like in Titanic! THE END!

So, that was me writing about watching The Asylum’s Titanic II. Was it a good movie? Not at all. But it’s one of those movies that’s so bad it’s entertaining. It’s unintentionally hilarious. And at the end of the day, if it was entertaining then it did its job. I highly recommend making this a movie you throw on at a party just for the laughs and to watch Bruce Davison be a raging bad-ass.

Netflix assumption: *
My rating: ***1/2

Now I’m going to go get some sleep.

 

These aluminum soldiers died for your amusement.

RIP Coke products

Deliciouspoppydeath

2011 - 2011

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