Saturday, July 30, 2011

A Moment of Silence…

…For Liam Neeson’s Career

You know, I was under the distinct impression that things could not get much worse for the movie industry than… well… than just about anything Michael Bay has made in the last decade. But now there are two far worse things and, oddly enough, they both beat my childhood with a splintered 2X4. First, there’s Smurfs. I refuse to comment on it. I refuse. My only comment on this travesty is this: Neil Patrick Harris… what the hell, man? What. The. Hell.


Multi-million dollar budget to make bad CG,
recycle old footage, beat your childhood,
and be a sexist tool? Yes, please!

The other nostalgia-wreck is coming to theaters in 2012.
Ladies and gentlemen… Battleship:

Oh yes. This is the real deal, pegs and all. I could believe this sort of thing coming from The Asylum, but a major studio? A major studio gave this the green light!? WHY!? I’m tempted to make a joke about other board games becoming movies, but I’m better than that.*

Instead I think we owe it to ourselves and to Liam Neeson to remember some of the good movies he did. He was amazing in Michael Collins, a movie about the formation of the IRA. He was a raging badass father in Taken. Sure he was in Phantom Menace, but it’s not like he had to suffer all of the Star Wars prequels, right? Gangs of New York, anyone? And what about Les Misérables… his performance as Valjean? He was the voice of Aslan, for cripes sakes! And yes, I even forgive the A-Team. At least that was a fun action flick.

But now? Now there’s Battleship. And because of that, I feel we owe it to Mr. Neeson to bow our heads and remember his career fondly.


You forgot Batman Begins. Now I’ll have to
break your spine.

Next time on The Fix is In:

It’s time to do my first installment of LNN: Episode Insanity. I’m still infuriated that this show even exists and even more baffled that Netflix thinks I will love it: Parking Wars. America, you drove me to this and now you’ll have to read my suffering. Or you could just not read it all.

Hey! Wait! Come back!

*I’m actually not above that joke at all.


Operation. Coming to theaters in 2014.
Don’t touch the sides…

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Facepalm and Foxtrot

New Television Should Be Ashamed

America, we need to talk. Other countries, you may want to leave the room. You can stay if you want to, but America and I have something to discuss.

When I was young, I had the TV to babysit me. I used to watch anything and everything that I could. After everything switched to digital and the world needed converter boxes, I broke free. I don’t watch anything new on TV anymore. I admit, I catch a lot of shit for this, but I’m honestly thrilled to not be glued to the TV 24/7. However, you may have noticed that I have a Netflix streaming account. Now, I may not be ahead of the curve on what’s hot anymore, but I’ve been finding out the types of things you people have been watching and I am disappointed.



Look, enough beating around the bush. I need one of you to justify to me why Parking Wars, Mall Cops, and Pawn Stars are even shows, let alone ones that have more than one season? Why have you made these things popular? I was willing to forgive you for Dog the Bounty Hunter, and I even manage to mostly overlook Jersey Shore. But shows about parking lot enforcement, mall security, and pawn shops? Really? Are you just willing to watch anything?



Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150 have anything good on.


What’s just as scary as these shows being popular is the fact that someone, somewhere decided to pitch this to a network, and they thought it was a good idea. And evidently, given that all these shows have several seasons, they weren’t wrong. What the hell is wrong with all of you!?



“You know, Phil, maybe people don’t want to watch a show about parking lot cops…”
”And that’s why you don’t work here after today, Bob!”

In conclusion: shame on all of you, America. Now I’m going to go be all pretentious and watch Downton Abbey  or Twin Peaks. I suggest you all start doing the same, immediately.


A CARNIVAL FILMS PRODUCTION FOR ITV1.<br /><br />DOWNTON ABBEY.<br /><br />EPISODE 4<br /><br />ITV’s new costume drama series, Downton Abbey, written and created by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes and made by Carnival Films for ITV will star Maggie Smith as Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham, Hugh Bonneville as Robert, Earl of Grantham and Elizabeth McGovern as Robert’s wife, Cora, Countess of Grantham.  <br /><br />They will lead an all-star cast, which also includes: Penelope Wilton, Dan Stevens, Michelle Dockery, Jim Carter, Phyllis Logan, Lesley Nicol, Siobhan Finneran, Rob James Collier, Joanne Froggatt and Rose Leslie. <br /><br />Set in an Edwardian country house in 1912, Downton Abbey will portray the lives of the Crawley family and the servants who work for them.    <br /><br />PICTURED: MICHELLE DOCKERY as Lady Mary Crawley.<br /><br />This photograph is (C) ITV Plc/CARNIVAL FILMS and can only be reproduced for editorial purposes directly in connection with the programme or event mentioned above, or ITV plc. Once made available by ITV plc Picture Desk, this photograph can be reproduced once only up until the transmission [TX] date and no reproduction fee will be charged. Any subsequent usage may incur a fee. This photograph must not be manipulated [excluding basic cropping] in a manner which alters the visual appearance of the person photographed deemed detrimental or inappropriate by ITV plc Picture Desk.  This photograph must not be syndicated to any other company, publication or website, or permanently archived, without the express written permission of ITV Plc Picture Desk. Full Terms and conditions are available on the website<br /><br />Photographer: NICK BRIGGS.<br /><br /><br />For further information please contact:<br />

I have far too much grace, sophistication, and money to pawn anything on Pawn Stars.