Saturday, December 11, 2010

Swept Ashes and Windstorms

I am going to refer to posts like the following in one of two ways. Humorously, I will call this a 'duct-tape' post, as it will have a light side and a dark side, yadda-yadda-yadda. You know the rest. Seriously, this is a 'human' post, for the very same reason. You see, as self indulgent as it may be, I have these thoughts and they need to come out. So please, bear with me as I post my disjointed thoughts. They are important, even if only to me.

I have been trying little things to cheer myself up lately. Last night I watched a children's movie that warms my heart greatly, Kiki's Delivery Service. I know it seems a bit silly, but it put a smile on my face. I do so love a good coming of age story.

I've also begun reading Stephen Leacock's Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town. I haven't made it very far in the book as I keep laughing so hard I have to set it down.

Pandora is playing a song from Ingrid Michaelson's album Be Ok. Take that for what it's worth.

Today I was feeling a bit of residual ennui, so I went for a walk down to the local Starbucks. The staff at the Houghton Starbucks is wonderful; the young lady behind the counter was ready to prepare my usual, until I threw her for a little loop:

Barista: Double-tall gingerbread latte?
Me: Nah. I need something different, but I don't know what. Why don't you surprise me?
Barista: Oh! Ummm… Any flavors you don't like?
Me: Just do what you gotta do.
Barista: (smiling) So long as it's a double-tall…?

She set me up a salted-caramel mocha that was quite tasty. As silly and inane as this story is, it helped put a smile on my face. Even if it was only for a short while, it was certainly better than nothing.



I have decided that, starting tomorrow, I am going to carry notebooks with me to fill with notes about what I see around me. Mostly I want to record the small kindnesses I see that go on in the world. They happen every day and I think writing them down for myself, and subsequently here, will be beneficial to me and hopefully to others. After all, I don't know about you, but I am in love with the small kindnesses in the world. There's just something about holding doors open for people or smiling at someone that just does a lot to restore some of the lost hope I feel.

However, I must admit that I am incredibly guilty of not putting forth those kindnesses at time. Today, in fact, I disappointed myself. I was in the self-check line at Safeway, ringing my last few items through, when an elderly woman came up to me and asked if I was a Christian. I told her I was and she then asked if I could help her. I responded with a rather awkward noise from my throat. She asked me for money and I told her no. Now, I could offer any number of reasons or excuse as to why I said no. I could say I'm leery of giving money to strangers, or that I just had no cash on me, but it really doesn't matter. I had the chance to help someone and I didn't. I've been kicking myself for that all night.



I've been feeling a bit roughshod lately. Call it stress; call it loneliness; call it ennui; call it SAD*. Whatever you call it, it's had a profound effect on my ability to cope with day to day life. I find myself becoming increasingly reclusive and exponentially more tired. I often come home feeling like I want to cry and I have no real idea why. I suppose it's a combination of things: I am feeling stressed about my future and about my present. I hate coming home to no one to talk to but myself. Yes, I talk to people on the phone or on various other mediums, but it's not the same. I haven't seen my family in almost three years now… There are a lot of other things, but they're all part of a jumbled up mish-mash in my head.

I want to wrap this up, but I have a few people I owe thanks to. Heather, Julia, and Sondra: you have been wonderful and I'd have surely slipped into the depths of insanity were it not for my conversations with you three. Thank you.

Hey, Scribbles. I've mentioned a few things in this post of a personal nature. Now I'd like to hear from you:

-What movies books, or songs warm you up or bring a smile to your face?

- Have you said or done anything lately that you've felt disappointed in yourself? If so, what?

- This is a pretty broad question, but how are you feeling this month? Up? Down? Stressed? At ease?

Feel free to leave your answers in the comments. I look forward to reading them.



*Actually, as SAD is a real disorder that I've never been diagnosed with, let's not call it that, ok?




  1. Mr Blue Skies by E.L.O. is my default happy song, though you have to dance around to it like an idiot for it to work. I can't think of a film or a book off the top of my head. Maybe I'm just a miserablist at heart.

    This month has been a really busy and stressful month for me, and this has left me feeling pretty miserable and down during what little downtime I've had. This has lead to me having some pretty bad or mean thoughts about others, which always makes me disappointed in myself. I need to stop living in the past or the future and concentrate on the now and try to be as happy as I can, but that's not always easy.

    In more lighthearted news, I glued my hands together on Monday night. That was fun(!).

  2. "This is a pretty broad question, but how are you feeling this month? Up? Down? Stressed? At ease?"

    All? Can I say all? Because sometimes my feelings are all of those things at once.

    Mostly, I am dreaming of sunny days.