LNN: Episode Insanity II:

Banjos!? The Legends Were True!

I should be off the hook after watching Parking Wars. There is no possible way things could be any stupider than that. I mean, who wants a show about parking enforcement? Evidently, enough people to get it renewed for a fifth season. Yeah. Thanks, America.

Look, I’m not exactly a hyper-genius. Take this for example: One balmy summer Saturday, when I was just a wee five year old lad, back in New York, I got really gassed up on sugary cereal and started bombing around the house in my underwear. Superman underoos FTW. At some point in this fit of fervor I decided that I was Superman, so I hopped up on the living room couch, proclaimed that which I believed in that moment and then I made one hell of an attempt to fly. Instead, I fell like a thirty-five pound sack of rocks. In fact, this plummet was so stellar that I smashed my head into a corner of the obscenely heavy coffee table that my father built (A table I think my folks still have, and I’m fairly certain is still obscenely heavy). I gashed my right eyebrow open and bled all over the place. There were stiches involved.

The point? Even in that stage of total madness, as well as the subsequent smashing of my skull, I am still not dumb enough to enjoy Parking Wars. I mean, what could possibly be worse than that? Maybe a show about the unfortunate and uneducated hunting for alligators in Louisiana…

Wait, what? That’s an actual show!? Aw, come on!!

Fine! I’ll review it, but I’m holding every last one of you accountable for my therapy bills!

Here’s the Netflix blurb on the series:

Set in the swamps of the Atchafalaya River Basin, this series follows a clan of Cajuns and one resident’s quest to nab a nasty reptile.

Charming. This sounds less like reality TV and more like an old episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I’ve decided to cover the 3rd episode of the first season, called Troy’s Gamble because, well…:

Troy desperately needs to find a new honey hole – a corner of the bayou teeming with gators. He thinks he’s found one, but the rights to hunt it will cost him a lot of cash. He takes the risk – but will it pay off?

Hotel Foxtrot Sierra, people. We’re in for a ride. Strap in and let’s get ready for Swamp People.

• The show opens with a viewer’s discretion warning that also tries to justify this show existing. We’re 10 seconds in, the show hasn’t made a sound yet and we’re already bursting with quality and real fruit filling.
• Am I going to spend the next 42 minutes not understanding one damn thing anyone says?
• Banjos! Run! Save yourselves!
• According to this voiceover, our man Troy is apparently the gator hunting equivalent of Sherlock Holmes… The Asylum’s Sherlock Holmes, but Holmes nonetheless.
• Nope. Not going to understand one word.
• We’re moving on to a new person named Trapper Joe and all I can think about is whether or not he killed Trapper John, M.D.
• And sure enough, I can’t understand anyone in this section, either.
• Wait! Someone who annunciates! … He must be a plant.
• Seriously? They put a rifle in the water and just shoot the gators? That seems anticlimactic for a show like this. Shouldn’t they wrestle for supremacy?
• So we come back to Troy, who gets his boat stuck in the swamp and… wait, he paid thousands of dollars to hunt for gators? Holy smokes, dude! That’s a lot of money for you not catching anything. At least, that’s what I gather from the Narrator.
• And now we join a man in a trucker cap, t-shirt, and overalls. We’re told he’s a mechanic, and welder, and he hunts gators year round. And he built Troy’s boat! Actually, to his credit, this guy has some impressive credentials in metalwork. I want to crack jokes, but I’m actually impressed with that guy.
• TROY!!
• Oh holy crap, this show is only half over! Why won’t the hurting end?
• Shoot a gator! LIKE A BOSS! In the face! LIKE A BOSS!
• Ok, first of all, the guy who was annunciating for me clearly earlier? That’s done. I don’t understand him anymore either. Second, yes. Yes they just kinda shoot the gators.
• Ok, in all fairness, moving boat, gator going nuts. But I still prefer the rasslin’ idea.
• We’re going back to the metalwork guy. I’ve decided he needs his own show. I’d totally watch something about him.
• At this point I’m running out of things to say and the show still has 10 minutes left. At this point the formula goes:
• Wander around looking for gators.
• Find gators.
• Shoot gators in face.
• Repeat ad nauseum.
• I’m bored now.
• Oh, the drama has shifted for old Troy! Now he too many alligators, he can’t carry them all. So he needs to find help, which he does, and saves all his gators. Is this really the last segment of this show?
• No, because Troy had to get paid, and they had to invoke the episode title.
• There’s more!? End! End already! END!

Well, that was Swamp People. Final thoughts? The last 42 minutes of my life were spent trying to understand Cajuns. Burt Reynolds, where were you when I needed you?

Netflix Assumptive Rating: ^****

Actual Rating: ^**1/2

The only reason I don’t completely hate this show was that metalworking guy who built the boat. That dude gets respect. Everyone else on this show just hurt my brain. Or, as our friend Troy might say, “Whoo hoo hoooooooo.”

Are you people done torturing me now, or do you have an even worse reality show for me to touch on?

LNN: Episode Insanity I:

Twin Spirals of Pain

You know, when I revamped this blog and decided to change my direction, I thought Gee! I wanna write funny reviews of terrible things! Now? I don’t want to do this. This was an awful idea all along. Everything about this experience promises to be painful. This is a punch in my soul, people! And yet I did promise that this would be my next post. Well, fine. I’m going to be a man of my word and endure this. I’m going to watch Parking Wars.The shit I watch to try making you people laugh…

According to the Netflix blurb about the show, it’s a “gritty reality series” about “resourceful parking enforcement officers” (I dare you to say that with a straight face!) and “inventive citizens who park illegally.” In a one sentence description, I gather that this is going to be as unintentionally hilarious as an Asylum movie. We’re going to kick this off with Season 1, Episode 1.

Netflix, tell us what this episode is about:

Jeff, whose favorite insult is being called "meter maid," squares off with an irate citizen over a broken meter. The booting team of Steve and Sherry encounters a woman who has an extreme emotional attachment to her car.

Sounds like pure gold to me! Let’s dive in!

• Wow. In the title sequence, in the very first second, the word “Gestapo” is used. Godwin’s Law officially invoked. Classy.
• Generic rock soundtrack? Check.
• I don’t even know what to say to this: “By day we tow, we boot, we write tickets, we deal the power, the pain, the thrust. You eatin’ dust. We the PPA enforcers. You can’t mess with us.” This was just rapped. WhatisthisIdon’teven…
• The aforementioned Jeff from the episode blurb apparently has an eye for the ladies as evidenced by the continual shots of him looking at their butts. Also this is mostly going to consist of him being called a slew of names. And this is riveting TV.
• Also, “meter maid?” Really? That’s your favorite insult, Jeff? There has to be something far more original and amazing that you’ve been called. Hell, the show you’re on played the Nazi card in the first second! Have some standards, man!
• And now a crazy little elf man is screaming about a parking meter and being cheered… while being on hold on phone. I have no idea what’s going on anymore, but Philadelphians? Class acts.
• And now? Booting. They even get their own theme song!
• Cliché: “We have a hit!” Check!
• Cliché 2: “It’s a bit of a ‘cat-and-mouse’ game.” Check!
• I’ve just been given some serious parking enforcement lingo. Cindy, the emotional car lady from the blurb, is an “H&H” which is a “heavy hitter” which means she’s racked up over $700 in parking tickets.
• First of all, that’s pretty damn impressive to rack up that kind of parking fines
• Second, your lingo sucks… and it’s inaccurate. There’s no “and” in “heavy hitter.”
• And now they’re going to wait for a tow truck!
• And the tow truck driver is an arrogant assbag! Fan-flipping-tastic!
• STOP SAYING “HEAVY HITTER!”
• Cindy said her car is like a pet. That’s… Are all people in Philly that dumb?
• Generic hip-hop/R&B song? Check!
• TO THE IMPOUND YARD!
• This place is filled with some hilarious rage… ok mostly just the guy who called them the Gestapo in the title sequence.
• Gestapo guy hands the lot officer his phone, to show that he has been on hold with his insurance company for some time. She closes his phone, ending his call. He’s distraught. She laughs. If this show was meant to make me appreciate these parking enforcers it just failed big time.
• “If someone is angry I tend to be a little bit kinder to show them this is not a personal thing.” As totally evidenced by you copping an attitude with the guy who was rightfully upset by you hanging up on his phone call!
• The show ends with Gestapo guy getting his car back, roll credits.
• Generic rap track? Check!

So, a guy got called a meter maid, someone taught us some parking enforcer lingo, and Godwin’s Law. I don’t know I’d call this show gritty… probably more grating.I cannot honestly fathom why this needed to be a show. If I wanted to watch sad people get cussed out by the general populous, hell I’d probably just go watch parking enforcers in real life.

But the fun doesn’t end here, kids. Tonight is a two-for-one special on my misery. Up next: Mall Cops: Mall of America. All I can say right off the bat is Minnesota, I thought you were cool, man…

Okay, let’s see what Netflix has to say about this show:

The Mall of America’s security team is charged with maintaining order and safety at the largest retail space in the United States.

Well… that didn’t really tell us much. Why am I going to watch this again? Oh. Right. Mall security equals “teh funneh.” Ok, well, let’s look at the episode brief Season 1, Episode 1:

S1:E1 – Black Friday
When shoppers invade Mall of America on the busiest shopping day of the year, mall cops deal with a shoplifting ring, a man carrying a concealed weapon, a girl who has had a seizure, and an intoxicated man who refuses to leave the mall willingly.

Yikes. Black Friday? Don’t you think your playing this gambit a little too soon? Shouldn’t this be your season finale episode, or something? Also, ‘invade?’ Nobody is invading the Mall of America. It’s no a micro-nation that we’re attempting to conquer just by showing up. Mall of America, you are no Kickassia. Alright, enough stalling:

• Intense preview sequence? Check!
• They used the word epic… FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU--
• America, your Black Friday obsession is scaring me. Why are any of you outside, in Minnesota, in late November, at 2:30AM, waiting for the mall to open? Does this sound like a thing reasonable human beings do?
• Show about the mall uses the line “shop ‘til you drop.” Check!
• I admit, I love this bit that moments before opening, everyone inside the mall is wearing an expression of “Oh shit…” And you know what? I know how they feel.
• Sped up film? Check!
• The profiles to introduce the… officers(?) are ridiculous.
• Report of a shoplifter!? OH NOES!
• Wait. That was it? They got word of a shoplifter, the guy ran, cut to commercial? Then why make it a segment!?
• This mall cop running is hilarious. I’m going to renamed him Joey Bagodonuts.
• “The Handbag Mafia”? Really!?
• Oh neat! We get to talk to a crazy guy who’s putting on make up in the middle of the mall!
• AHHAHAHAHAAA!! Best exchange ever between Mall Cop and Crazy Guy:
  MC: Do you have any weapons on you?
  CG: The most powerful weapon I got is my mind.
  MC:Got a knife?
  CG: Yeah!
  Oh sweet! He’s armed!
• Oh… and end segment. What the hell, Mall Cops!? What the hell!?
• Wait wait wait. Sergeant!?. Do mall cops have actual ranks!? Pfffhaaahahahaaaahahaa!!! No! No stop! That’s too much!
• I’m not even going to comment on the seizure segment. I can’t be that much of an asshole. Sorry, everybody.
• The last segment is about a belligerent drunk man stealing wine from a store then resisting ‘arrest’.
• Aaaaand the drunk man pooped his pants. Wow. I’m so glad we’re ending on that note.
• End credits bonus! A mall cop has to help someone find their car at the end of day! Groundbreaking television!

So, that was Mall Cops. And it was, um, well, pretty terrible! I mean, wow. It was kind of stupid, and mostly just really boring. Even playing the Black Friday trump card from the beginning did not help. The rest of this show must be an absolute snooze-fest.

Final thoughts on these two shows? I cannot fathom why these are even on. I mean they were funny in all the worst possible ways. Parking Wars felt miserable to watch and Mall Cops, which should have been hilarious, was really just dull. America, I beg you, stop putting this shit on TV. Stop letting it run for season after season.

Parking Wars:
Netflix Assumptive Rating: ****
Actual Rating: **

It had funny moments, but mostly just unpleasant to watch.

Mall Cops:
Netflix Assumptive Rating: ***
^{Actual Rating: *}

^{zzzzzzzzzzzzz…}

Well, with that slice of hell off my plate, I’m going to go watch something less mind-rotting. Something simple and kind. And maybe, if I’m lucky, it’ll have robots.

…

Or ponies.

A Moment of Silence…

…For Liam Neeson’s Career

You know, I was under the distinct impression that things could not get much worse for the movie industry than… well… than just about anything Michael Bay has made in the last decade. But now there are two far worse things and, oddly enough, they both beat my childhood with a splintered 2X4. First, there’s Smurfs. I refuse to comment on it. I refuse. My only comment on this travesty is this: Neil Patrick Harris… what the hell, man? What. The. Hell.

Multi-million dollar budget to make bad CG,
recycle old footage, beat your childhood,
and be a sexist tool? Yes, please!

The other nostalgia-wreck is coming to theaters in 2012.
Ladies and gentlemen… Battleship:

Oh yes. This is the real deal, pegs and all. I could believe this sort of thing coming from The Asylum, but a major studio? A major studio gave this the green light!? WHY!? I’m tempted to make a joke about other board games becoming movies, but I’m better than that.^*

Instead I think we owe it to ourselves and to Liam Neeson to remember some of the good movies he did. He was amazing in Michael Collins, a movie about the formation of the IRA. He was a raging badass father in Taken. Sure he was in Phantom Menace, but it’s not like he had to suffer all of the Star Wars prequels, right? Gangs of New York, anyone? And what about Les Misérables… his performance as Valjean? He was the voice of Aslan, for cripes sakes! And yes, I even forgive the A-Team. At least that was a fun action flick.

But now? Now there’s Battleship. And because of that, I feel we owe it to Mr. Neeson to bow our heads and remember his career fondly.

You forgot Batman Begins. Now I’ll have to
break your spine.

---

Next time on The Fix is In:

It’s time to do my first installment of LNN: Episode Insanity. I’m still infuriated that this show even exists and even more baffled that Netflix thinks I will love it: Parking Wars. America, you drove me to this and now you’ll have to read my suffering. Or you could just not read it all.

…

Hey! Wait! Come back!

---

*I’m actually not above that joke at all.

Operation. Coming to theaters in 2014.
Don’t touch the sides…

A Not-So LNN:MM

Wherein My Nerd-Cred Slips to Nil.

After my last Late Night Netflix: Movie Mania, I learned a few things:

1. The result of doing reviews that way is a two-day hangover with only about half the fun of getting there.
2. I really limited my material by going only with streaming. I know there’s a lot of streaming, but I do get DVDs too.
3. I don’t want to post that much reactionary stuff again. I certainly do want to post my initial reaction comments, but I want to write something slightly more substantial

Congratulations, The Asylum. You gave me a learning experience. So, I’m changing things up for this edition of LNN:MM.

1. I’m obviously doing this earlier than midnight.
2. This movie is on DVD
3. Less notes! More actual content!

Now I know this is only my second one of these and I’m breaking my own pre-established rules, but it’s my blog and I’ll do what I damn well please! Besides, this is all meant for entertainment and sharing the things in the fantasy kingdom that is my brain.

Speaking of fantasy kingdoms, that brings us to tonight’s movie: Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, an all CGI affair brought to us by the beloved Squeenix. I’m not going to lie to you; I’ve only managed to stomach ten minutes of this so far. But I’m prepared to try again. For you. You torturous, hateful sadists…

The DVD menu, like any DVD menu that has an animated loop with soundtrack, if left on too long will make you want to punch a nun. This choir singing the name “Sephiroth” over and over again is pretty annoying. My options are: Play Movie, Languages, Scene Selections, and Reminiscence of Final Fantasy VII; all pretty standard options, except that last one. That just sounds weird. Let’s just play the movie:

• This opening is boring. There’s a ton of action and all of it off screen. This is followed by one of the Peanuts children expositing by offering the plot to FF:VII. Way to go movie. You’re not even five minutes in and you’re boring me.
• Also, this sequence seems to be where they pulled all of the action from the DVD menu from.
• Everything in this movie so far has been muted and gray.
• And a cut to an even grayer wasteland and the Square-Enix logo. Is it too late to turn back now? It is? Shit.
• In the same breath we’re introduced to our hero, Cloud Strife; a man whose hair looks like a variegated star (Thank you, Nikolina) and whose outfit looks like it was rejected from Mad Max.  
• And now we have three guys all dressed alike speaking very weirdly about mothers and big-brothers, and telling each other not to cry. Creepy.
• Cloud just got cold shot in the face and he just winces? Either I’m very confused about physics and/or biology right now, or that dude is effing hardcore.
• And Cloud’s first actual lines are a whiny and petulant “I’m leaving!” Our hero!
• Followed soon after by “Too bad. I’m a delivery-boy now.” Cloud, buddy… looking like you do, that line does not sound as badass as you think it does.
• And our hero walks away with a mighty “Not interested…” Truly, stalwart and mighty is he.
• Ok, this action scene between Tifa and one of the creepy-trio is actually fairly decent, and has the first real bits of color I’ve seen in the movie.
• That said, creepy-guy #3’s cell phone rings and the ringtone is the battle victory music from FF:VII. It’s a cute piece of self-referential humor; however, it’s ruined by the fact that his phone keeps ringing. It goes from a cute chuckle to insanely annoying very fast.
• The three creepy guys are rounding up children in a glowing forest and talking about healing them. Pedobear would be proud.
• We come into another action scene which is trying so hard to be epic; full of guns and super powers, swords and martial arts. The problem is, between all the zoom shots and the pale lighting, you can’t tell what’s going on at all. It’s pretty disappointing.
• And now we’re introduced to “Vincent” who sounds like Wolverine after smoking a pack of cigarettes and apparently owns Spawn’s cape. He and Cloud have an exchange about what the creepy-trio are up to, which is apparently resurrecting Sephiroth, the big-bad from the game. Well… ok.
• This plot makes no sense. They want to resurrect Sephiroth because “Mother” wants them to, but they don’t have any real plans after that. No world domination (of course!), no conquest. Just, bring back the old big-bad. Why!?
• Creepy guy #1 summons a giant monster. It blows up a pillar.monument and then leaves. Well. That was necessary. Just had to get that “Summon” in there?
• And this is followed by a really lame fight sequence.
• Creepy #3: “You meanie!!” … Really, movie?
• We’re a little over halfway through this movie and you want to pack in five more characters? Movie, I know you want to make sure you get all the favorites in here, but come on. Especially when these guys are as much comic relief as the two jokers from the last lousy action scene!
• Oh, finally our petulant hero returns! And cue a relentless action sequence involving eight heroes and one giant monster where you cannot possibly tell what is going on.
• By the way, unless you’re familiar with the games, you’re never told who half these people are. Way to go, movie!
• And a guy in a wheelchair from the beginning didn’t need a wheelchair after all, had “mother” the whole time, and threw it off a tall building. WHAT A TWIST! M. Night would be proud!
• Movie, when your motorcycle chase/ action-packed fight is full of muted grays, to the point that the audience can’t tell what’s happening. it is not exciting.
• Though, to be fair, the part where creepy guy #3 throws his motorcycle with his legs and Cloud cuts it in half is pretty badass. The rest of the action kind of sucks, though.
• Ok, I’m getting bored with this. Let’s wrap this up. Cloud fights Creepy guy #1 to no avail; they have a fairly impressive sword fight (only fairly because of several moments of “what the hell just happened!?”); Cloud’s friends babble incessantly and don’t help AT ALL; creepy guy #1 changes into Sephiroth, the two have a really boring Dragonball Z style fight with Sephiroth quipping away the whole time; Sephiroth almost wins, but Cloud, through the magic of the world, or friendship or some crap overcomes; Creepy guy #1 returns and it starts raining and he dies in Cloud’s arms; The rain heals everyone in the world, everyone lives happily ever after… until Creepy guys #2&3 return to shoot Cloud and blow up the building they’re on top of(WHY ISN’T THIS OVER YET!?) and Cloud gets…. kicked out of heaven and back down to Earth? I think? His friends surround him and we live happily ever after. Friendship babble. Roll credits!

THE END!

GAH, this movie is terrible! I know this is a grave taboo to fan-boys the world over, but this movie just is not good at all. The characters are boring, or just plain unlikable. Characters got shoved in just because they were in the game. The villainous plan has no point, other than to resurrect a dead evil guy for no other reason than “because we can!” The three creepy villains are supposed to have a comic element to them that just falls flat. Sephiroth shows up for an epic battle that does nothing and ends on an absurdly confusing note.

Speaking of confusing, that sums up the action in this movie. Between constantly muted colors, or fighting going on in areas with bad lighting, IE everything is awash in blue light, and the constant zooming shots, the action is just… confusing to watch. I had no idea what was going on most of the time.

Advent children was also just… aesthetically unappealing to me. I don’t care for straight CGI in the first place, but when all of your colors are gray and muted, everything looks boring, dull, and waxy. The end credit sequence and one fight with Tifa looked so much brighter and vibrant than the vast majority of this movie.

All I can say is this: This was made for the fan-boys. If you’re a huge FF:VII fan, then you might like this. But as someone who just kind of picked this up? This movie was horrible and made me want to set bunnies on fire.

Netflix Assumptive Rating: *****
Actual Rating: **

Late Night Netflix: Movie Mania

The First… Blogisode?

Hello and welcome to Movie Mania! It’s my first post in this series, so I suppose this is where I ought to explain how this works (If you don’t care about any of this, just jump down past the line-break and get right into the review). Netflix has an ever expanding list of titles available for online streaming. The internet has has an ever expanding list of asshats on the internet writing or filming reviews of thing while maintaining some sort of gimmick. I decided it was time to combine the two in my series Late Night Netflix. Here is my criteria for both Movie Mania and Episode Insanity: 

1. I choose a movie/series that Netflix says I’m going to love (it assumes at least a four star rating from me) or hate (it assumes at most a star and a half from me). I’ll also watch and review things people suggest or take on items whose titles and/or descriptions grab my attention.
2. I wait until at least 12AM to start. I want to be really tired for these viewings to make them a bit more interesting
1. No naps beforehand.
2. Caffeine shall be considered both legit and necessary.
3. I’ll be writing the reviews as I watch, so that the finished post ends up being my gut reactions to what I’m seeing… Well, 95% gut reaction. Sometimes I’ll backtrack for comedic value.
4. I’ll draw up a short conclusion and give my rating versus what Netflix assumed I’d give it.

“How do we know you’re not faking this?” you may be asking this page. Well, I suppose you don’t. We’re on the honors system, friends. Also, you’re trying to talk to a website. That cant be healthy. Anyway, enough of this preamble garbage! Let’s do this thing!

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As this is the first installment of this shipwreck of an idea, I think it is only fitting to watch The Asylum’s Titanic II. For those not in the know, The Asylum is a low budget production company that makes movies known as “mockbusters,” movies meant specifically to cash in on blockbuster cinema. They operate on a production schedule of a few months and therefore their finished products are always hilariously bad.

Given how bad these movies are supposed to be and what Netflix knows of my taste they assume a a one-star (*) rating from me. Oh man. This is going to hurt. Without further ado, welcome again to the LNN:MM viewing of Titanic II:

• Wow. Open on a frozen wasteland and the opening credits, and these credits aren’t wasting any damn time.
• A man is… surfing in the frozen wastes? Yes! He waited for a hunk of ice to drop into the water and create a wave for him to surf on. We have one character in the movie and he’s an absolute idiot.
• More ice drops creating a tidal wave, killing our super-genius surfer. I’m pretty sure that’s not how anything works. Ever.
• Hey! Bruce Davison! Goodie!
• Well, at least they didn’t waste time getting us to the titular boat. Five minutes in and there she is.
• We’re introduced to our two heroines for this film.They look exactly alike and are wearing the same outfit so I will never be able to tell them apart. Stellar.
• “I swear to god I’d rather watch some of these people drown than give them CPR.” Oh good! One of them is completely loathsome as a human being!
• The loathsome one is adequately counterbalanced by… a character with a complete lack of personality
• A blonde D-bag lands on the ship in a helicopter land slow-mo walks toward the camera with what I can only assume were once Playboy bunnies.
• “It’s so big!” “Airplanes are big, babe. Trains are big. This… is monumental.” Oh good. I get to hate him too.
• He… owns the Titanic II? Damnit!
• He also can’t speak. “Sophithticeted?”
• He also seems to have put Brian O'Halloran in charge of the ship.
• Bruce Davison has brought us to Green(screen)land. to meet with attractive lady-scientists.
• “A piece of ice broke off this thing the size of Manhattan…” aaaaand I officially call my first “Bullshit” on this movie.
• Meanwhile, back on the boat Not-Leonardo DiCaprio makes an ass of himself with our cardboard cutout of a heroine.
• Not Leo: Your father punched me in the nose.
  Cardboard: He caught you joyriding on his boat at 2AM. I think he had a right.
  Not Leo: Still a daddy’s girl, huh?
  No, dude! No! You stole the man’s boat! He gets to blast you in the face for that! I’d call you an overly-entitled prat, but, well, you also own a luxury-liner. Still, punch in the nose deserved!
• If one more person in this movie says “Well, uh…” so help me, someone will die.
• The most wonderful line ever delivered by Captain Clerks “She make look like her predecessor, but underneath she’s anything but.”
• Back in GreenScreenland, scientists are tripping over poorly rendered ice fields! Oh no!
• The Titanic II! It’s 2010, but our CGI is straight out of Babylon 5 in 1994.
• What a lame-ass dance floor.
• What a lame-ass luxury cruise!
• No, really. The only two people on the dance floor are standing there talking.
• Apparently Bruce Davison has the military authority to make submarines move. And that’s why he’s a bad-ass.
• And now he’s telling the Titanic II to go back where it came from. So cool! He’s like an aging action star without any of the pesky explosions.
• I know this is supposed to be super tense and foreboding with all the yelling and concern, but it’s actually a little boring.
• AND WE HAVE ICEBERG!
• Furthermore HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
• There’s that gorgeous CGI again
• This movie is in LOVE with the Coast Guard.
• Sheesh. This isn’t its predecessor alright. This ship gets hit and it pretty much folds in on itself. Fantastic.
• What the hell!? Does this ice just have a vendetta against the ship?
• Does—Does the ship have mini submarines in it? Is that what I just saw?
• I can’t even keep up with the crazy, but let’s try: The D-Bag decides to stay on the ship while it’s going down because “IT’S MY SHIP!” He runs off to find the cardboard cut-out who petulantly refuses to go with him until they go below decks to find that other girl we all hate. Out of nowhere some dude just starts beating up on blonde-boy. All of this happens in five seconds amidst pandemonium. Did you catch all that?
• Why the hell is the infirmary in THE BOILER ROOM!?
• And what is this woman’s obsession with moving the critically injured!?
• Bruce: You have to get the people on the lifeboats!
  Cap’n: Half the lifeboats were crushed in the impact
  Bruce: The lifeboats are deathtraps!
  Wait. What!?
• How in the hell does she have cell reception in the elevator of a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean!? She has an iPhone and damnit, AT&T’s service is not nearly that good!
• This is the greatest scene in this movie. Our heroes are making their daring escape. Our blonde heart-throb tries to pry a door open with an axe-head. He can just barely hold it. The cut-out barely squeaks through. The obnoxious one makes her attempt and the door crushes her, killing her instantly. Our lone heroine crouches next to her and with all the emotion of a coffee table screams a feeble “Kelly? Noooooooooo…!” Our hero then suddenly turns into The Last Son of Krypton and just waltzes through the damn door that he could barely hold open ten seconds ago.
• Daring escape trap number 2! Our plucky couple need to pass a pool water with live wires in it. To do this they need hang onto a plot contrivance, I mean… an overhead pipe and work across. Suddenly Superman has no clue about monkey bars.
• A trapped person is trying to signal for help by knocking loudly. Rather than help him, the blonde bomber yells “WHO’S THERE!?” Really, man? Is that really important right now? What else would you like to know? “DO YOU OWN A WHITE HONDA ACCORD!?”
• Aw. Now he’s dead. *sad face*
• Their next brilliant plan is… to put her in a wet suit? Oh. I see. Plot contrivance to get her in her bra. Gotcha. Well played, movie. Well played.
• Seriously, this ice is just aiming for them now.
• “We capsized.” But we didn’t have the budget left to show that.
• Bruce Davison is going into rescue his daughter damnit! COAST GUARD!
• The long kiss goodbye and wait for it… he’s dead! Just like in Titanic!
• And Lo! Neptune didst swallow the presumptuous ocean liner and Bruce Davison, in true bad-ass fashion didst saveth his daughter from Poseidon's icy grip.
• Bruce is so hard, he even went saved his daughter’s boyfriend… hopefully to revive him and punch him in the knows again.
• Nope. When the Atlantic kills a rich fool, he stays dead… Just like in Titanic! THE END!

So, that was me writing about watching The Asylum’s Titanic II. Was it a good movie? Not at all. But it’s one of those movies that’s so bad it’s entertaining. It’s unintentionally hilarious. And at the end of the day, if it was entertaining then it did its job. I highly recommend making this a movie you throw on at a party just for the laughs and to watch Bruce Davison be a raging bad-ass.

Netflix assumption: *
My rating: ***^1/2

Now I’m going to go get some sleep.

 

These aluminum soldiers died for your amusement.

RIP Coke products

2011 - 2011